How to talk to kids about gender

Despite what the gender binary — and the unfortunately popular trend of gender reveal parties — will have you believe, a child's gender isn't determined at birth. And it's important for parents and caregivers to not only grasp that concept, but help their child do the same.

That's because discussing gender can help kids feel more confident in themselves and supported by their parents and caregivers, says Dr. Christy Olezeski, director of Yale's pediatric gender program, which helps people ages three to 25 who are grappling with questions about their gender.

There's also a rule among psychologists who work with trans and gender-nonconforming youth: Adults don't determine a child's gender; it's up to the child to reveal this, adds Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, a developmental and clinical psychologist who has studied gender since the late 1960s.

With that in mind, caregivers should know that it is never too early to start talking or teaching a kid about gender, says Olezeski. When they're about two or three years old, children start to self-identify, which means they might say "I'm a boy" or "I'm a girl." Adults should listen and acknowledge this, she explains.

Caregivers can also talk with their children to help expand their views of gender, but open discussions about gender can't negate the impact of gender stereotypes (such as, boys should be stoic and girls should be emotional) on kids, says Olezeski. Boys and men, for example, tend to be scrutinized more when they "cross" gender lines, both Ehrensaft and clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Edwards-Leeper say. Edwards-Leeper works with youth who are trans and gender diverse (an umbrella term to cover all the gender identity and expression labels out there).

"Some of the more stereotypical masculine things are just valued more and to be feminine is to be lesser than," Edwards-Leeper says. So if a boy acts more "feminine" (like being kind), he can be teased or bullied.

To help parents and caregivers navigate these conversations, Mashable spoke to these experts to get their advice.

1. Learn the difference between gender identity and gender expression

It's essential to understand the difference between gender identity and gender expression because people confuse the two terms a lot, Ehrensaft explains. Gender identity is someone's internal sense of who they are — whether that be a woman, man, somewhere in between, or none of the above.

"It doesn't necessarily match who others think you are," Ehrensaft says.

Gender expression, on the other hand, is how someone chooses to present their gender to the outside world, whether through clothes, hobbies, or their name.

Someone's gender identity isn't always the same as their gender expression. For example, a child whose gender identity is female may choose to express their gender in a traditionally masculine way by playing with trucks, even though some may consider this a boy's activity.

Kids need the freedom to express themselves in a healthy manner and if the adults in their lives don't know what gender identity and expression are and the differences between the terms, they could conflate the two. That could lead to confusion for both the adult and child, Olezeski says.

If adults aren't clear on gender identity and gender expression, they might think a boy who likes dresses is a transgender girl. But this might not be the case; he might be a boy who likes dresses, Ehrensaft explains similarly.

2. Explore your own feelings

Adults often have trouble with the ambiguity of gender, Edwards-Leeper says.

Ehrensaft offers the example of pre-schools with flexible dress code policies. A boy may decide to wear a dress to school and when he walks into the classroom, the teacher freezes up for a second. The teacher may usually express open viewpoints about gender, but in that split second, their inner biases come through. The child, in turn, picks up on this visceral reaction right away, she says. The teacher might not realize they have unconscious biases about gender but their body language makes it clear to the child that they do, as the teacher likely wouldn't have noticed if a girl walked in wearing a dress. Children absorb almost everything, even things you don't say.

Ehrensaft calls these opposing feelings gender angels and gender ghosts. Gender ghosts are our beliefs about gender that stem from what society teaches us, making us stick to rigid definitions of gender. Gender angels, on the other hand, are beliefs that help us accept people who act outside the lines of what we've often been taught gender means (like that only boys play with trucks and only girls wear nail polish).

Ehrensaft wants us all to replace our gender ghosts with gender angels. That's because when our gender ghosts creep out they can negatively affect youth's mental and physical health, she says.

Ehrensaft recalls speaking with a single father with a teenage son who wanted to wear dresses on the weekend. The father thought it was weird and worried people would beat up his son. Ehrensaft then told the father about the risk factors teens are susceptible to if they're held back from expressing their gender preferences, including a higher risk of anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, drug abuse, and suicidal thoughts.

The opposite is also true. When gender-nonconforming youth are supported by their parents, they experience fewer depressive symptoms, according to a 2013 article in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

Caregivers should reflect on where their thoughts about gender come from and consider whether their preconceived notions might be harmful to their kids, Ehrensaft advises. Peer support groups and mental health professionals can be great resources for parents and caregivers because they can provide a non-judgmental space to work out concerns and questions about gender, Ehrensaft says.

If you need more direct help, you can contact Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), which helps encourage conversations among LGBTQ individuals and allies through outreach programs and offers teaching tools about gender. Or you can sign up for the gender education nonprofit Gender Spectrum's monthly call-in support group.

3. Don't shame children

When children are about three years old, they start to explore both their gender identity and expression says Olezeski. This can take the form of how they identify (whether that be male, female, neither, or somewhere in between), what they wear, how they act, and what toys they play with.

Caregivers might unintentionally shame their children if they say things like, "Oh no! Boys/girls don't do that!" or using the terms "real boys" or "real girls," which can imply there's only one way to be a boy or a girl, explains Olezeski.

Kids will pick up these statements as a sign that adults don't accept who they are and interpret that who they are and what they like is bad or unwanted, says Ehrensaft.

On the other hand, when adults allow children to express themselves authentically through play and dress, kids can build confidence in what they like, Olezeski says.

When caregivers tell Olezeski that their child wants to wear certain clothing or play with a toy considered to belong to the opposite gender, she explains that it's normal and healthy for kids to explore their likes and dislikes.

Follow the child's lead as to how they want to express their gender. You should pick up cues from them, such as if they say what gender they are or express what they like. They may play with trucks but also wear nail polish, Olezeski says.

You can ask children questions if they say or act in ways that might seem incongruent with their gender identity. Observe their body language (for example, if they avoid eye contact) to gauge if you think they'd be comfortable answering questions like, "What would you like me to call you?" and "Do you have a nickname or a preferred name?"

Doing something as simple as asking these types of questions gives a child autonomy and also lets them know you respect them.

"It is an easy intervention that costs nothing to do, but if we do not allow for this, there can be unintentional consequences, such as increased shame and internalized transphobia," Olezeski adds.

4. Don't gender genitalia

It can be easy to equate genitalia with gender when teaching children about their body parts, but Ehrensaft cautions against doing this.

Don't say, "if you're born with a penis, you are a boy. If you're born with a vagina or vulva, you are a girl," because this isn't true.

This can be damaging because kids will think people with male genitalia are always men and people with female genitalia are always women, Ehrensaft explains.

Instead you can say, "Some people are born with penises, some people are born with vaginas, and some people may even be born with a little bit of both."

If you'd like to delve further into the conversation, Ehrensaft recommends saying the following: "Most of the people who are born with vaginas grow up to know themselves as girls, but some discover they're boys and some discover they're somewhat in between." Then say, "Most of the people who are born with penises grow up to know themselves as boys, but some discover they're girls and some discover they're somewhat in between."

If your kid asks why, Ehrensaft suggests saying, "Your mind and brain tell you who you are; a boy, a girl, or somewhere in between."

5. Really listen to children

You might rush to immediately respond to what a child is saying about their gender, without actually listening to what they're saying. The best-intentioned adults often make this mistake and it can lead to a miscommunication.

For example, a child who everyone thinks is a boy could say, "Mommy, I'm a girl and I want a Barbie doll."

The mother might say in response, "No problem. You don't have to be a girl to play with dolls. Let's go out and get you one right now!"

This is meant to be supportive but it misses the point, Ehrensaft says. The child might not just be talking about dolls — they could be saying they are a girl and they want their caregiver to recognize that. Children want to be seen and understood and if they are misunderstood, they could become frustrated and give up on trying to get their message across.

It's important to notice these moments when they come up and slow down to catch them by making sure you understand exactly what a child is trying to say. Asking a clarifying question like "I think you said x, y, and z, is that right?" can help.

6. Take advantage of teaching tools

If you need additional support, a wealth of resources exist to teach children about gender. These objects and images can help kids visualize all the aspects of gender, where words might fail.

Ehrensaft advised that adults should explain the tools, so the child can hear their tone when they talk about gender. This way, the child will learn that their parent or caregiver accepts them for who they are, no matter how the child identifies,

The gender unicorn, for example, employs a colorful unicorn to teach children about gender identity, gender expression, what sex assigned at birth means, and how physical and emotional attraction works. You can sit with your child and explain what each term means and the different ways each can manifest.

The gender unicorn can be fun and informative. Credit: Trans Student Educational Resources

Ehrensaft compares the excitement she's seen kids have about the gender unicorn with how they react to the tooth fairy — pure joy. Children are drawn to the idea that they could be as special as a unicorn, she says. Even if kids don't know how to read, it's still a good resource because it has a picture, she says.

You can gauge where the child is at developmentally to decide how much of the gender unicorn you should teach. For example, the sexual development spectrum (the "physically attracted to" and "emotionally attracted to" sections) might not be appropriate for young kids, Ehrensaft says.

She also points to the genderbread person, which similarly teaches kids about gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, and physical and emotional attraction, while also demonstrating where these traits stem from. Like the gender unicorn, you can walk your kid through each term and point to the genderbread to explain where these characteristics originate. But keep in mind how much information a child should take in, which depends on their cognitive and emotional development.

Who knew gingerbread people have a purpose beyond just eating them? Credit: Sam Killerman

There are also children's books that discuss gender in kid-friendly ways. Ehrensaft recommends Stacey's Not a Girl, which takes kids on a journey with Stacey as they explore their gender identity.

Olezeski suggests this children's book list from the Human Rights Campaign Foundation. The list includes culturally diverse stories about kids all over the gender spectrum.

Ehrensaft also raves about Mattel's gender-inclusive dolls. The kids Ehrensaft works with rip open the boxes because, she says, they can't wait to play with the dolls as they can make them into any gender they want, which children crave.

7. Integrate teaching moments into everyday life

You can throw sit-down lectures out the window, if that's not your style. They may not work well for young children who have trouble paying attention for long periods of time, says Edwards-Leeper. Instead, pop in bite-sized lessons during relevant, everyday moments.

Edwards-Leeper, for her part, thinks the gender unicorn and genderbread person are good resources, though she's never actually used them with her own young kids. Instead, lessons about gender come up naturally.

For example, when walking by someone who looks like a man but has long hair, her children have both said, "that's a girl."

Edwards-Leeper corrects them by saying, "Actually, we don't know what that person's gender is. We don't know if they identify as a man or a woman, or something else."

At the end of the day, parents and caregivers just need to remember that no matter where your child stands on the gender spectrum, there should be room for all identities.

"Being able to live in your authentic gender is a human right, and it's not a disease," Ehrensaft says.