By its very definition, a secret crush is one which you have no intention of sharing with the world -- and certainly not with the person you have a crush on.
You might unpack your feelings in a journal or confide in a few trustworthy friends, but the whole point of a secret crush is obviously to keep it a secret. The term really could not be clearer.
Despite this universally known fact, Mark Zuckerberg, Father Of Privacy Issues, has announced a new Facebook Dating feature called "Secret Crush," which essentially encourages people to reveal their "secret crushes" with the help of Facebook.
I, quite frankly, could not think of a less appealing way to tell someone you like like them, and the thought of testing the feature out is so embarrassing that I'd rather do the unthinkable and reveal my feelings directly to my crushes' faces.
The feature, which will be released by the end of 2019, will reportedly allow you to identify up to nine of your Facebook friends as "Secret Crushes." If any of those people identify you as a crush in return, Facebook will send a notification to both of you and the secret will officially be out.
How truly, madly, deeply sad.
I personally love having secret crushes — emphasis on the "secret" — because sometimes you just need a fun distraction, and other times you aren't in the mood to put yourself out there and take an emotional risk. Most of my secret crushes are kept secret because I fear the possibility of ruining a close friendship, or I feel the crush is unrequited and would rather save myself from rejection than speak up.
The thought of being vulnerable and expressing your romantic feelings to another person with no promise of them being returned is, of course, also absolutely terrifying. Yet somehow I would rather walk up to each and every crush I have at this very moment and pour my heart out than rely on Mark Zuckerberg's social network to do it for me.
We as a society rely on tech for so much, but we shouldn't rely on it for declarations of love. We have to be braver than that, and I'm not the only one who thinks so.
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The embarrassment factor is a huge turnoff from Facebook's crush feature, but it's not the only flaw. I mean, what do you do if you have a crush on more than nine people? What if people start abusing the feature and using it for online bullying? And don't get me started on the privacy concerns.
Facebook, as you may recall, is the site that once had personal data scraped from 29 million accounts in a hack, gave fellow tech companies a bunch of access to users' private personal data, and provided information on more than 50 million profiles in the Cambridge Analytica scandal.
In Facebook's F8 event on Tuesday, Zuckerberg promised that going forward, the site would be all about privacy, and he claimed "Secret Crush" will only reveal your crush if the feeling is mutual. But he just expects us all to trust him with the identities of the people we're infatuated with? Yeah, no thanks, buddy. The only tech I've ever trusted with that information was my Password Journal, and even then I used the invisible ink pens from my Lisa Frank Magic Glow Writer Blacklight Journal to write the names.
I can see it now. Me typing the names of nine crushes only to have Facebook get hacked and those crushes get alerted via DM.
I can just see it now. Me typing the names of nine crushes into Secret Crush feature only to have Facebook get hacked and all of those crushes get alerted via DM. It would be like a bad parody of To All The Boys called To All The Boy I've Told Facebook I Had Crushes On Before, with me as Lara Jean and Zuck as Kitty.
Even worse, in an unfortunate turn of events what if the names of my crushes were posted to my profile for all to see? In high school I once tried to look up a crush on Facebook and instead of typing in the search bar I accidentally posted his first and last name as my status for 12 minutes. I will never forget the horror I felt upon seeing the words "Nicole Gallucci is B**** G*****" and am not about to put myself at risk of experiencing nine times that embarrassment.
Remembering that Zuckerberg started Facebook as a "Hot or Not" type site makes me think he's always really wanted to make a dating app, or a far more shallow version of a dating app, it seems. But to be perfectly honest I simply don't trust the dude with any information that pertains to my love life. If you want to keep your crush a secret, by all means do so. But if your options are to tell your crush how you feel yourself or have Zuck do it for you, please, please, please do it yourself. Watch a rom-com for inspiration, or read a romance novel. Get some advice from friends, and take a chance.
While I appreciate Mark Zuckerberg taking an interest in something I actually like for once (crushes), me telling this photo of Jim Halpert dressed as "Book Face" that I have a crush on John Krasinski is the closest I'll ever come to revealing one of my crushes to Facebook. And that's that on that.
Topics Facebook Social Media
